For Memorial Day: A Story About Another Type of Military Mom

So, a lot of Americans take some sense of pride in the fact that their offspring is stationed in countries like Afghanistan and Iraq, spreading our conservative leaders' need for world hate.  The military has come back in style after spending a few decades having some rather unjust adverse reactions to them.  Reactions which I often felt were unfair and unfounded.

Group Think 

Frankly, I'm not opposed to our soldiers serving their country. 

I don't have any reason to hate them for that.  I suppose Americans have different views on how we solve differences in the world; and I believe that the men and women who join the military these days, go to conflicted areas with some sense of patriotism.  

The same way I feel I have another sense of patriotism  for feeling we should stay out of these things and allow America to garner some sense of respect in the world.   

I am also not overly impressed with a young person's decision to give up college to join the military and make it their career.  Both mindsets tend to remind me how narrow minded people become when they see life through a certain lens

The liberals want no military at all.  The conservatives want undying loyalty and service.

One group is so liberal that they poo-poo everything that doesn't reek of peace and love -- even to the point they seem to desire a society based upon milquetoast type of reactions.  I'm not sure that is a balanced way to approach the world.  

There is always some control fuck that wants to ensure everyone else is doing things his way.  So we need soldiers to fight these fucks and ensure liberty remains a concept that we as Americans understand.

The other is forged on old fuddy-duddies, who are so stodgy and set in their ways that they think the world is their personal doormat, to wipe feet on, whenever someone disagrees with them.  Their laughable conventional approach to disagreements is always, 

"Well let's show him!"

And that mindset bores me too.

The New Military

It's almost like you can hear that song, The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B, these days; with as much patriotic b.s. as one hears constantly on the television and all over the news.

Every television personality babbles the same thing, once they hear that someone is either related to someone serving this country; or actually serving this country.  

I just want to thank you for serving your country or 

Tell your father, son, daughter...whatever, that I'd like to thank them for serving our country.

You hear it so much that it sounds almost condescending, sometimes.  It certainly seems more like an afterthought, these days, than a genuine sentiment much of the time.  

Sorry folks!  I'm not one of those gung-ho military moms.  

I don't make it a mandate to thank every relative who dons the military badge of honor for having children who served overseas; using them as a entry, as if they are some type of super parent.

My own kid served.  So, fuck it.  I don't need that type of observance.  I am pretty secure with who he is and who I am.  And no insincere comment from a stranger about his military service will change that.

Not My Choice

In fact, usually my first thought is much the same as it was when my son told me  he joined the Army.  

I couldn't help but ask, You did what?  

Followed by an exasperated sigh, and then one single word, Why????

In fact, I think my son is still angry with me for asking him those questions that any mother with common sense asks her child when he makes the decision to join the Army, instead of going to college. 

Don't you have any dreams?   

Why the military?   

Surely, you can choose something more productive than that for your life...like college, maybe?

You see, I was the mother that told her son that he never needed to join the military.  I was the mom that felt you only go to fight a war when the country's leaders are defending the citizens of the country, not for oil dollars to enrich the pockets of the elite.

He joined anyway.  It was purely his decision.

In spite of that...today I admit that the military did teach my son some things about bravery and becoming a man.  He certainly has a greater sense of responsibility, now.  

And he's a great husband and father; although, I think that was something he was destined to be, military or not.

With all of that, I am proud of my son's service, in spite of the fact that I still feel he was fighting the wrong war.  I admire his bravery and the his efforts to go against mom's opinion and do what he thought was right.  That means he's not a mama's boy, and that thrills me even more.  

However, I do believe the military fell a great deal short on instilling the very essentials of understanding that a man's trinity of love should be.  

I am sad to say that they taught him things out of order.  And I think he bought it, as much as I hate to admit it.

You see, when we raise our children, we expect them to value things in this order.  A logical and loyal order that proves respect for his family.  Because, after all, if you don't show respect to your family, you likely have no loyalty to anything.  In my book, and the way my family felt, his loyalty should have been like this:

• Godi
• Family
• and then...his country

But, the military claims this trinity should go like this:

• God
• Country
• Family

So, tell me this...

Since when is a man's loyalty to others more important than his allegiance to his family?  Especially, when the people he gives loyalty to could care less about his well being, and eye him more with a need to use him as a means to an end.  

When does a man's country become more important than family?  

I believe the military teaches this because they have to know a soldier has complete loyalty to his commander.  I guess I understand that.  But a person's country can prove corrupt.

As it was in Germany and Poland, during World War II; and during the Hitler regime. 

Brainwashing

To be honest, it seems to me these days that my son's in laws seem to feel that "family" only refers to his extended family when it comes to holidays.   

I'm from a family that taught something better than that.  My family would have been up in arms if I insisted on spending every holiday with only them and ignored my in laws.  I was brought up with a level of respect and honor.  We based everything on that.  

They seem okay with him never seeing me at all, which speaks to their character.  And since they are overt Republicans...well...

So, I've learned a level of disappointment in them, and his attachment to them.  But, I also understand that he has to get along with these people if he wants a happy life.  

Fortunately, I don't have to speak to them; so I reserve an opinion that isn't favorable of them and don't apologize for it.  Plus, he's told me that they've shoved their conservative views down his throat so much that he actually voted Republican in the last election.  Even though many of his views have always been, and still are quite liberal.  And that made me want to vomit.  

I actually expected more of my son than to fall victim to the continued brainwashing of his inlaws.

He married into one of those career military families.  I feel this has a lot to do with this one new defect I find in him.   They've brain washed the poor kid with their love of idiots like Glenn Beck.  

I can't imagine what they would feel if I had done the same to their daughter and she'd come home and told them she was voting for Obama.  I'm confident her uncle would have had a stroke, after meeting him.  But then again, he's a career military man who admires Beck, so I wasn't impressed with him, either.

Don't get me wrong, I feel he picked a good wife. Especially with some of the women out there.  My daughter-in-law is a great woman, even if I don't like her family visits policies.  

I think my son has been diverted by a family too willing to drink the conservative Kool-Aid that the military serves to families of soldiers.  So, in a way, I forgive them.

Military Wives 

I wasn't the sweet little thing who stayed home waiting for  her

man, when he was sent off and stationed in Germany, after he returned from Vietnam.  I was determined to be a woman, not a doormat.

I could have cared less about all of that military shit.  

And it didn't go over BIG with me, when I lived in Germany -- off base -- and had to go to the commissary to shop.  Especially since I had to then deal with all of the rank and grade bullshit that the military takes pride in.  And all of this just to step into line to ring up my groceries.  

Honestly, I thought most of the colonels I met there were mental featherweight, hicks.  And their wives were even more nauseating.  

In fact, most of the lifers who had chosen to retire from the military struck me as knuckle-draggers.   I was entering my career of writing and trying to understand life.  I was studying things like philosophy and psychology.  I was taking college classes and trying to be a responsible parent.  And I was finding that these people didn't even seem to fit into my lowest forms of life.

They spent their time partying and swapping wives.  It wasn't for me.

I can tell you that the military wives I saw in Kaiserslautern Germany weren't what you see today.  Many of them looked and acted as if their families had practiced some form of inbreeding.  They were not attractive.  They seemed like the students that had spent a lifetime hiding from other students.  The same types that are often bullied and have their glasses taken from them.

I was the type of gal that would have thrown a blow if someone tried to bully me.  So, I had little respect for people like this; because they seemed inherently weak to me.  They had suddenly gained some ability to bully others, now.  And they seemed proud of that as they fell upon things like racism and sexism to rally their blows.  I never liked bullies or those who didn't have the guts to stand up to them.  So, I felt disgusted with most of these wives.

In fact, I deliberately made fun of them and set them up to look stupid, after they tried to target me.  They left me alone after that.  

I recall one woman who was completely shocked that she was pregnant.  She insisted that she had used birth control.  When I asked her what she used, she adamantly told me, "Vaseline!"

I nearly choked.  I had never been around that sort of profound ignorance.  

There were many women from the deep south.  And they were shameless in expressing their racist views.  I felt as if I had discovered the hub of subhuman thinking.

I won't lie.  There were a few that seemed normal.  I befriended them.  But, they seemed in the vast minority in comparison to the others I saw.  

It was there that I decided that my son would never, no way, no how, join the military.  It was because of these people!

So, when my son deviated that way, I wasn't  happy.  Actually, I was extremely pissed off.  

I thought he was throwing his life away for a country that really didn't even appreciate him or his family.

Today

Today, I have mixed feelings about my son's military experience.  

I can see many of the benefits it offered him, for his family.  He has his education paid for.  He has the G.I. bill to help him buy a home. He also has a nice monthly income while he attends college.

But, I see a cold side to my son as well.  And I blame that on the PTSD he's suffered from his tour in Iraq.  He is no longer the same loving son that I once knew.  He is nothing like the traits of our family, and he hasn't been in some time.

Before he left, he was the image of me.  He was my pride and joy! He was considerate to women (he still is).  He was a devoted son (today, not so much).  He was a man that thought about things and formed his own opinions.  I don't see that in him at all, any longer.  

We have grown apart.  It saddens me.   But, I know that it has to be this way.  

I blame the military.  It robbed my son of that warm side of him that was his essence.  He was that kid that always cared.  He was my little sidekick that walked beside me and felt protective of me.  He was the boy every mother dreams of.  

Today, he is a good man.  He is a great father.  And he's a wonderful husband.  He is motivated in the right ways.  The ways a mother hopes for.  All of that makes me proud.  But I miss my real son.

If I were to give another mother advice about sending her son to war, it would be to protect him from it with everything she has!  

It would be to avoid sending him, no matter what, unless we were under threat of being attacked. 

I saw no reason for this war.  I still don't see any reason for this heightened militaristic approach to the world...not even with the isolated events of terrorism.  I think we have victimized ourselves with fear, today and set ourselves up for further attacks.

I remember a better America.  One where people were comfortable with themselves and others.  One where people didn't hold their neighbors suspect.  One where sons had allegiance to their families.  Maybe peace will bring this back.   back.  

Building a Bomb Shelter in Your Life

They say when the big earthquake hits, California will break off and float into the ocean. There's probably a few of you who feel this would be no big loss.  Certainly, after living in L.A., I have to admit I might agree with that in many cases..  The U.S. could afford to lose some of the pretentious assholes that make California their home.  That's for sure.  And I'm quite sure that the world wouldn't grieve losing one more Lindsey Lohan;either. 

Natural Disasters 


Honestly, I don't think the state of California will break off any time soon... 

No matter how many Tea Party members would like that.  I think there is more chance that the entire state of Florida will fall into some momentous sinkhole-- which would thrill most of us liberals.  

But, lately we are seeing natural disaster after natural disaster.  From the most recent tornado touching down on Moore, Oklahoma and wreaking devastation to the storms that brought down Jersey Shores.  

It's surprising the folks at FEMA haven't exhausted all funds by now.  Because, if it isn't a storm, it's a fire, or a coastline flooded, or an earthquake.  (Which makes you wonder if there is anywhere a person can move to that offers a safe place to live your life.)

My Bomb Shelter is on Stilts

Last night, I was watching Rock Center when they brought up an old 20 minute film about building a bomb shelter.  

It was actually quite humorous, because it was filmed back in the 50's or 60's.  

Bob was telling his neighbors how he'd built a bomb shelter for when the U.S. fell under nuclear attack.  And he had a brick wall sectioning off part of his basement that was supposed to imply a bomb shelter was there, the back drop for his speech to his neighbors.  He couldn't stop talking about what a great thing this was and how it even supplied "an extra bedroom".  

While it was hilarious, it made a lot of sense for those people living along tornado alley.  

A bomb shelter might have offered refuge to the children of Plaza Towers Elementary School, had planners considered the possibilities of natural disasters.  In low lying areas, the same type of thinking might protect a homeowner loss during floods.

Should we be thinking along these lines, today?  And if so, what do apartment dwellers and condominium owners do?  What happens to the homeless?  Are they left out in some plan for survival of the fittest? 

Hysteria 

I'm not suggesting that we bring back the cold war hysteria of the past.  

Certainly, attacking a problem with fear does not produce the best solutions.  

But, could it be that its time for Americans to get real about natural disasters and prepare for them better?

Surely, there is nothing crazy about storing canned food products and water, as well as maybe some important documents in a safe place when you realize there is a possibility of losing everything due to natural disaster, no?  

For one thing, Americans are so reliant on the grocery store to replace their food products that when a natural disaster does hit, the shelves are usually bare within a short time; because no one has anything stored for these situations.  Not even for a few days.

I recall growing up learning to can and freeze things.  Today's family grows up learning canned and frozen foods are poison.  It's really not.  It may not be the healthiest eating, but it can get you by in a pinch.

Planning

It seems like we go hog wild on any idea in the U.S.  But some

moderation and planning can make things like natural disasters a great deal easier to endure. 

For instance, have you gathered your most important papers into a place where you could grab them in an emergency?  

I did.  I went to Walmart and bought Rubbermaid storage tubs to keep my papers filed and dry.  The see-through stack and view tubs provide me with easy access to my most important documents, If I had to grab them on the run.  I know exactly where everything is.   

They might not survive a fire, if I couldn't grab them in time, but they would absolutely stay dry if the fire department sprayed the place down.  I'm also scanning my most important documents to store them on a flash disk that I can carry with me or leave with a relative.

I'm freaky like that, because I survived a significant earthquake.  I was fortunate not to lose my home, at the time; but it did wake me up to the possibilities.  And having lived in a place where the earthquake hit significantly, I was also exposed to the idea of sharing resources with neighbors, once we lost our power.

Do you keep a few cans of food that could get you by if supermarkets were impacted by some disaster?  Or, would you go hungry if that happened?  

How about your pets?  Have you planned for them?  We keep all of our dog's essential needs in another Walmart tub.  If we had to evacuate because of a fire or poor weather conditions, we would simply grab this tub and Chipotle would be okay. 

A good pet survival package should include: 
1. Food and water 
2. Medications 3. Sanitation items 
4. First aid supplies 5. Portable food containers 
6. Manual can opener
7. Leash or carrier
8. A picture of your pet and Vet records 
9. A collar with ID tag, vaccination tag, and license tag
11. Comfort Items   
And how about a plan to contact one another if you were ssparated?   

I remember when my ex and I moved our family from one state to another.  We had a huge U-Haul and our car.  My husband was driving the U-Haul and I was driving the car.  We got separated when I had to pull over and he wasn't aware that I did.  (It was the days before cell phones.)  

I was frantic!  We hadn't planned for that.  How would I let  him know where to meet?

I was lucky.  He pulled over when he realized what happened and waited on the side of the freeway.  I saw him when I passed and he pulled in behind me.  But what would have happened if he had made another choice?  Could we have called a relative that each of us knew?  

These are things people don't think of when they consider a plan.  What if cell phones are rendered useless?  What if cell towers are destroyed too?  What's the plan for reuniting?


But what would have happened if he had made another choice?  Could we have called a relative that each of us knew?  

These are things people don't think of when they consider a plan.  What if cell phones are rendered useless?  What if cell towers are destroyed too?  What's the plan for reuniting?

And if you end up in a disaster, will you have the money to get yourself through it?  

I know a lot of people are forced to live paycheck to paycheck these days.  But, everyone should be able to nest away a few dollars, here and there.  And if you do, it adds up.  It could make the difference between having money to buy food.  Or, change for a phone call, if your cell phones don't work. Or, even renting a hotel room for the night when you end up in the streets from a fire.  At least one night gives you the space to plan what's next.

Building Your bomb Shelter



One thing is for sure.  If you have a plan, you have a future.

Now, if you own your own home, things may be easier.  At least you have a lot you can put a trailer on while they rebuild your home, if that' is allowed.  

But what about people who live in condos and apartments?  Even you should have a plan for alternative housing, if something were to happen.  For instance, if one of your neighbors (God forbid!) became a pyromaniac and set your building on fire.  What would you do if you woke up at 2:00 a.m. and had to flea?  

If you planned well, you might have  enough money to rent a motel room, until Red Cross or some other organization could help you, the next morning.  But, what if there were no funds for any agencies to help?  

If you had a tent stashed at a relative's house, along with a few sleeping bags, that might offer you an option to camp in back of a friend's house.  Or, if you had a camper, you might be able to stay at a local KOA camp ground, until you could get on your feet.

It may sound stupid to you, in the safe confines of your comfortable home.  But, believe me, living on the streets is no joke!  And when you lose it all, it may be your only option.  With planning, you may have safer alternatives.

I'm a planning freak.  I've got back up plans for back up plans.  If my place burned to the ground right now, I would have clothes to wear.  I would have water and food too.  And I have an alternative plan for short termed housing, until my life was recovered.  While I know for a fact that I could exist on the streets and get by, even knowing all of the resources that would help me; I have no desire to rely on that. 

I do know one thing...






The people who live in Moore, Oklahoma who planned for a disaster in their lives, before the tornado are probably way less stressed than those who didn't.  And their recovery will go a lot smoother.  

Wouldn't it be easier if the rest of us planned ahead, too?

Ghetto Tours: Touring Reality a New Phenomenon

Yup!  I read that and was amazed.  People actually PAY to go see the ghettos?  Wow!  And then I thought about how many Americans travel throughout the world, often paying to see ghettos outside of the U.S.  I guess it's not amazing that others would pay to see ours.

Let's Tour a Ghetto

It's always amazing to me what some people will come up with for entertainment.  

I understand wanting to comprehend the human experience.  I share that desire.

But, I know that I don't need to become a leper; or visit a leper colony, to have compassion for the people who have suffered from that disease.  And I don't need to murder anyone to understand just how depraved human behavior can get.  I also don't need to see the poorest places to understand that inequities exist within the world.

So, when I considered that the latest phenomena overtaking the country was the Ghetto Tour industry, I couldn't help but roll my eyes.  

You see, I'm not from New York and have never been to the Bronx. So, I probably would be gullible enough to believe that tours of Bronx streets lined with hungry people waiting in food lines; or a drive past some haunting buildings left over from the days of projects, would represent what the Bronx likely was like.

For instance, observe this:

Manicured homes line a street in the Longwood Historic District, in The Bronx borough of New York. A company that offered tourist treks to the Bronx 'ghetto' has shut down under scathing criticism from neighborhood leaders offended by the tours that took mostly European and Austrailian tourists past pantry lines and 'pickpocket park.' 

Three times a week, the $45 ride, offered by Real Bronx Tours took visitors past food-pantry lines,  housing project an a park that a guide describe as a pickpocket hangout. 

(Source: 'Ghetto' tours stopped amid Bronx residents' outrage)

What would anyone think, who hadn't ever visited that area before?  

Visiting Alternative Lives

With all of that said...here's a question that came to me...

Do these tours really show the reality of these lives?  For instance, in the photo to the right, this has been an average scenario for many gang members.  Gangs are known to exploit women.  

Yet, would an actual Gang Tour show this side of gang life?  Would it show gang members phoning third world countries to inform on other gang members being deported there, to get them killed as soon as they get there?

L.A. Gang Tours believes educating people about gangs is saving lives.  

In fact, they answer my question by saying these tours are making a difference this way:

Our goal with LA GANG TOURS is to use the profits from the tours to create jobs and provide opportunities for the residents of South Central, Los Angeles. We believe that educating people from around the world about the Los Angeles inner city lifestyle, gang involvement and solutions is a vital step towards a peaceful existence.  

This project will create opportunities to contribute to the economic health of South Central and the tools needed to access the American market.

(Source: L.A. Gang Tours)

 Uhhh...wrong! 

First of all, like people opposing these tours in the Bronx have been saying...these tours demean the neighborhoods and create the illusion that this is really what these neighborhoods are all about.  And it isn't true.

They say:

It misrepresents the area as a haven for poverty and crime, while mocking everything from our landmarks to the less fortunate members of the community.

(Source:  'Ghetto' tours stopped amid Bronx residents' outrage

But to me, what it most likely won't do is show gang life the way it actually is.  For instance, I doubt they'll show gang members charging an elderly taco truck owner rent for selling tacos in their hood.  But, that is often a reality of gang life.  It likely these tours also won't show the weapons bought and sold.  And I doubt it will actually take the tour through a funeral of a family grieving the loss of their loved ones lost to gang violence.  That too is an offshoot of gang life.  

Will it show gang members beating the crap out of their wives and girlfriends?  Likely not!  Yet, this isn't entirely uncommon in gang infested areas.

In Los Angeles, the tours claim to expose the tourist to some of the city's deadliest gang areas.  But taking tourists to downtown L.A. today, and taking them to downtown L.A. some years ago is quite a different experience.  Back then, gang members did frequent areas that have been cleaned up since then and labeled the Arts District.  

In fact, in some of the hotels that line the Arts District, it wasn't uncommon for bodies to fly out of windows and land several stories down onto the pavement from drug deals gone bad.  But, it is news today when a person jumps to their death, downtown.  And it wasn't uncommon for gangs affiliated with the Bloods to hang out downtown, back when this area was gang infested.  Today, while the Bloods still dominate many areas, you won't see gang members openly hanging out together because of Rico laws.

And still:

The unmarked chartered coach wound its way through downtown. The first sight was a stretch of concrete riverbed featured in such movies as "Terminator" and "Grease," where countless splotches of gray paint conceal graffiti that is often the mark of street gangs and tagging crews.

After that, it was on to the Central Jail, home to many a thug, past Skid Row's squalor and homeless masses and into South Los Angeles, breeding ground for some of the city's deadliest gangs.

(Source: Gang Tours: For $65, Tourists Get Peek At Los Angeles Gangland)

So, it seems like much of these tours are pure bullshit!  

Certainly, its not likely that by driving through South Los Angeles to the Florence section of town that most tourists would notice much about gangs as much as a great deal about used car sales.  Because Florence is lined with car dealerships.

And if you haven't ever been exposed to the gang lifestyle, do you really think you could figure out who the gang members were in any gang, anyway?

Yet a group of civic activists has set up additional tours with L.A. Gang Tours to tour through areas known for the Crips, Bloods, Florencia 13 and 18th Street.  What a fucking joke that is!

Are they paying the homies to wear rags and flash signs for the tours?  

Do they expect to see a bunch of these guys?  If so, they probably would more likely find them in prison tours or aging out of gangs in family ways.  Because most of these guys were either deported, imprisoned under gang laws, or they are dead.  And the ones who sought help to leave their gangs are married and raising kids, most likely working in your shipping and receiving departments, processing packages.


Visiting Lifestyles

I get a kick out of the tours that Los Angeles residents offer.  

I see the tourists all the time, downtown.  Confused looking mid-westerners being led by one of our local nerds or wannabe actors  with a personality so huge you want to bitch slap him to calm him down.  They eyeball everyone, like me who lives here, as if they may have some offshoot chance of recognizing some up and coming actress or actor.

I mean this city has tours of everything, from our various districts, like:

• the arts district
• the jewelry district
• the financial district
• China town
• Korea town
• Beverly Hills
• Universal City

and it goes on and on.  We have:

• Private Tours of Los Angeles
• Walking Tours of Los Angeles
• Ghost Tours of Los Angeles
• Best Tours of Los Angeles
• Day Tours of Los Angeles
• City Tour of Los Angeles
• And everything in-between  

We offer tours in Spanish, Armenian, English, Chinese, and every other language, here in Los Angeles.  This is one touring assed city! 

You can tour on a bus, where you hop on and off.  You can take a limo.  You can walk your ass off.  

You can see Gruman's Chinese Theater; dismount from a double-decker bus at 50 stops, riding ina n open-top bus with panoramic views of the homeless militant groups who hang out at Pershing Square; and then tour Broadway through downtown and see every whack job hanging out downtown and waiting for the shelters to open as they panhandle for spare change. 

If you are really lucky, you can see a few junkies puking in the streets; or, squatted over and taking a crap in an alley.  

It's all there for you to see!  


And why not?  

After all, so many pay to tour Hollywood and ride through areas where celebrity homes are prevalent, hearing all the gritty gossip about celebrity lives.  

So why not a ghetto or barrio tour?  

Why not even take a skid row tour and hit up the Mission?  
You can't miss the filthy downtown junkies at five in the morning at the mission, sucking down their grits and eggs as they jones for a hit of meth to keep them from getting sick.  

Why not show your interest to the homeless Eastern European man who loves to whip it out and take a piss on the corner of 5th and Spring?  

Hey!  If you're lucky, maybe you can spot some of the pregnant whacked out women of the shelters.  Haven't seen them yet?  You've really missed out!  

They are the vacant-eyed women who some man or group of men raped, and now they wander around in the same clothing for months.  That is, until they are finally reeled into some transitional shelter, just before their baby is due by a shelter worker, to help the baby.

The point is...living like a voyeur and spying on human misfortune is probably not the most ethical move.  But, I guess if we allow ourselves to allow people to burn out and fall into the gutter and remain there; the next move is to watch them struggle, so we can feel better about ourselves, right?  Maybe next, we can even bring back the gladiators to not only watch their miserable condition; but challenge them too, eh?  Bravo, America!

Playing the Major Leagues on Pocket Change

She will tell you that she can't 'go a morning without her Starbucks', even though her SUV needs engine work.  On her way home from work she stops at Trader Joes for dinner, instead of shopping at a grocery store she can better afford.  Every weekend, her husband and her take a day-cation and drive miles away to get their heads clear from working all week.  But they can't even afford a $50 a month payment to reimburse a friend that loaned her hundreds of dollars over a year ago.  


You are a Mooch!

Do you know someone like this?  I think we all do.

You can't grow up these days without meeting or knowing a person who thinks they are playing in the majors, when they barely exist off of pocket change.  

Because they don't have a clue how to manage their money.

Some of you may have these people in your families.  They are the family members that the rest of the family avoids.  They've ususually had so many financial problems that they either have lived with; or, owe money to nearly every person in the family,

I'm not talking about family members who may be having situational difficulties during a period of their lives, especially in this tough economy.  That's a different animal, altogether; and most of us have been there.

Situational people who are broke don't generally live beyond their means.  They simply don't make enough to really exist.  They don't tend to show off in life; or, do many irresponsible things that mooches do like:

• Spend limited funds buying designer wear. 
• Charge credit cards to their limit within a day of getting them
• Shop for groceries at overpriced specialty stores.
• Buy five pairs of expensive tennis shoes to play basketball
• Collect expensive art when they owe friends money

No!  These are not the folks I'm talking about here.

I'm talking about people who spend a lifetime living beyond their means.  People who are nearing retirement years; who have developed a reputation and lengthy credit history of borrowing money that they had no intention of paying back.  

I'm talking about people who buy vehicles for appearance sake, and end up losing them to repossession.  I'm talking about people who actually think that Wackenhut offers of credit -- that we all get -- is a good resource for shopping.  I'm talking about people who haven't had bank accounts because they've bounced too many checks.  I'm talking about people who make the Payday Loan industry a bi-weekly habit.  I'm talking about people who don't take calls from numbers they don't recognize; because they think those calls are all bill collectors.  I'm talking about people who are afraid to answer their door; because they know they are about to get served.

And I'm talking about people who have spent a lifetime living this way.

My "Friend"

Well...I'm about to go to court with a person like this.  

She used to be a friend; or, so I thought.  But, I made the stupid mistake of loaning her money and that friendship dissolved.

I knew better.  I can't blame anyone but myself.  

Honestly, the friendship had probably dissolved long before that; but I didn't want to believe it.  Her husband and I didn't really appreciate one another.  

I thought he was a pompoused pothead phony who was cheating on her.  He spent too much time talking about what a great author Dan Brown was; which told me he really hadn't read that much.  He was always the victimized black man, instead of an empowered black man.   He was convinced that because he was from New York, he had a handle on con games.  But, he played his out like cheap tricks from every two bit Charlie street hustler.  

He was in his fifties and still hanging out with twenty and thirty somethings, playing street ball and hitting up the night scene after working a night shift as a security guard.  He was a cliche, to me.  The sad leftovers of an aging man trying to retain his youth and underestimating the world. 

The tragic thing was that she was actually a decent gal, deep down. But, I believe her husband was dragging her down with the people he exposed her to.  Her husband hung out with a wannabe rastafarian who sold drugs and art; as he lived with two insecure white women who competed for the rastafarian's attention.  He hung out with single young black men who were still heavy on the party scene.  My friend is my age and should have been with a man who had gotten all of that out of his system, by now.  And I think she knew that; because she wasn't a stupid woman.

The Loan

She had borrowed money from me once before.  

Three hundred dollars!  She called suddenly, one day, to ask for this money from me.  She needed it to pay her storage fees, so she wouldn't lose her furniture, as she couldn't afford to make her payments and hadn't for a few months.  They were ready to sell her stuff.  

She borrowed this after she moved to Los Angeles on a whim with her worthless husband, and ended up living with one of her relatives in Compton.  They had both fled two good jobs in San Diego and decided to move north without as much as a hint of a job in their new city.  Things fell apart, once they got to Los Angeles.

They finally found jobs; and a place they could afford in Long Beach and resumed their lives, after the relative got sick of them and tossed them out.  And it took over a year for her to pay me back a sorry assed $300.  

So, I had been put on notice about how she paid money back.  But I

fell into that sucker routine of "being a friend" and "feeling badly for her" and all of the other crap that these type of people try to inflict on others when they screw up their lives so bad that they need to borrow more money.

And the excuses are always emergencies; even though there is no emergent need to repay the loans.  This time, her sister was in the hospital in another state.  She couldn't afford to visit her, even though she could afford to drive to the stateline for her day-cations on many weekends.  And her sister was only a state away.

She reeled me in.  I gave her the money.  And after that, I moved to El Salvador and received frequent emails from her over five months; with nothing in them about repaying the money.  

Pay Me Back, Please

I finally asked her if she could begin making small payments on the loan; and she queried me about what I was doing with my money to ask her for payments.  She told me 'I was stressing her out', asking her to decide what she could afford and maybe begin making payments.  

It was the usual games that moochers play when you ask them for money they borrowed.  

• They try to put a guilt trip on you.  
• They ask you about your finances, as if you are the one mismanaging your money.
• When you confront them, they 'can't imagine where you got the idea they were doing that'.

And then, she did the ultimate.  She unfriended me from her email, blocked me and I guess in her mind she was free of ever having to repay the debt.  

You see, her husband and her had moved.  I didn't have their new address or new phone number.  I was fucked.

You've Been Served

I don't think they planned on me ever returning from El Salvador; because it was my intention to live there for some time.  

But as luck would have it (bad luck, I guess, on their part) I was rescued, came home and I did some detective work.  

I found their address, where they worked and I filed a case in Small Claims Court in their district.  In fact, I had Gustavo serve her husband at home and take a photo of the service.  

Of course, he tried not to answer the door.  But, my fiancee was insistent when he kept knocking.  He made it an irritation.  He didn't go away.  He stopped and talked to a neighbor and learned they really did live there.  And he went back and resumed his irritatingly loud knock.

Eventually, her husband answered the door screaming, "Who the hell is knocking at my door" as if he were some type of tough guy.  We got a laugh out of that.   He tried to deny he was the person listed on the court document.  But he was stupid enough to hold the document and read it in front of his door; so, we took a photo of him doing this, for evidence.

We didn't get the chance to serve her.  We returned home.  

And then, I hired a local firm to serve her.  The man pulled up in a police car, parked out front of their house for a long time; and they got nosy.  He served her.  Now they were fucked.

Fortunately for me, I was able to obtain all of the evidence I needed for court, proving that I had loaned her the money; and paid the fees to send it.  I had lost much of the documents when I was sent home from El Salvador.  

I also have every single receipt from traveling to and from her location, paying for service, court costs and every gas receipt used to deal with this case.  And the loan I gave her will now cost her a great deal more, since she lives far away.

I'm confident I'll win in court when we go the last day of May.  It's a prima facia case.  

It's no longer even about the money.  Honestly, I can afford to lose the $1500 or so that this case will cost with expenses and the original loan amount, these days.  

But it is the principle!  She knew that I had come through for her.  And in my time of need, she couldn't even muster up a small payment.  And my situation was dire.  I was living in a frightening country with death threats, not avoiding bill collectors.

The truth is that most of my life I've always had savings, a 401K plan and other emergency funds set aside for any problems that might arise.  She knew this.  That's why she borrowed from me, twice; when I never borrowed from her. This wasn't a two way street, where two friend exchange funds, here and there. 

I noticed they had a 'For Rent' sign on the house they were living in, when we served them.  Apparently, she's still living her life running around from one place to another, actually going nowhere.  

What a screwed up life for people nearing retirement!  I can't imagine anything worse than the instability of that.  To be seventy and running from bill collectors?  To hell with that!  I want to live my last years in peace and going on those day-cations and long term vacations; not counting pennies to buy groceries and gas.

I can't imagine losing this case, but if I do, at least I know I "stressed her out."  That was all I wanted for what she put me through after being a good friend.  That works for me!